Before I get too deep into what’s sure to be a banger of a column, let me just say that it was actually a little hard to pick which thing about the culture gaming war is the most stupid. It could be the idea that small consulting companies arethe people with therealpower over video game development. Or maybe the belief that any legacy companies currently struggling are doing so because - and this often comes with a photographic comparison - the team now has additional people who don’t all look like Jon Arbuckle on a first date. Hell, I’d even be willing to give the prize for stupid topeople who seem to believe their console represents a moral battleground.
All good options! But there’s nothing more hilariously stupid than - and I’m being sincere here - the war over hot characters in video games. If you’ve been following the trades, you’ve probably heard about a game calledStellar Blade. It’s an action game that isn’t out yet but - from the small amounts I’ve seen - seems pretty decent.Kind of a Nier vibe. I don’t know if it’s a first day purchase, but it feels like something I’ll end up buying. Unfortunately, that seems less important to the weirdest people online than the fact that the main character, Eve, is hot. And - stick with me -her being hot is proofthat video games are back in the hands of the real fans!
No One But You Even Cares About Stellar Blade
The best part? This fight is pretty much one-sided! I did not hear a damn word about Stellar Blade existing until I saw someone post that “woke” people must be mad at Stellar Blade existing. I guess the assumption is that a professor from a degenerate college would learn there was a leggy android in a bleep bloop and realize that all their work to destroy God has been for nothing. That seems close to what people seem to believe. I’m really not sure what else could have happened? But as far as I can tell,people online aren’t mad? They never were mad. I know I’m not. The only thing I’d criticize the game for is naming a robot lady “Eve” like it’s the first draft.
It is embarrassing to get excited that a character’s hot - especially when it’s mostly because you think someone else will be sad that they’re hot.That’s also sad! You’re not even happy that the character is attractive to you - you just want someone else to be bummed out.
And, look, I get it. There’s a subset of fans of every artform who will assume that something that isn’t explicitly madeforthem is an attackonthem. For example, the whole to-do over Abby inThe Last Of Us Part 2. Some fans thought she wasn’t sufficiently attractive, so they acted as if the developers had intentionally designed her to rebuff and insult the real players. It’s the consumer version of “if you’re not with me, you’re against me.” But even stupider. There was a whole rage campaign against a character that nobody had even seen in the game yet.
Devs Are Neither Your Friends Nor Your Enemy
So, to a lot of dweebs, a video game company drawing up a conventionally attractive woman probably feels like someone is finally in their corner! Because if the people who draw disgusting, normal bodied characters are your enemy, then the people who draw sexy, Jessica Rabbit-style characters are your best friends! Even though - and this is the heartbreaker - neither knows you exist and both would be worse off for meeting you. The idea that someone is making a very marketable character to fight back against the market takes a lot of not understanding how the world works.
And, again, who cares if Eve is hot? She’s a video game character. They’ve been hot for a very long time. They’re almost all hot. Like, I understand that some people got upset when the women inMortal Kombat 1didn’t show enough nipple - but they are still very attractive. The more recentTomb Raidergames didn’t pivot on the theme that true beauty is on the inside. Girl still had it. Although, maybe that’s not the best example, because a cursory Google check found decades of forum posts where people are mad Lara Croft’s boobs were no longer PlayStation 1 traffic cones.
I can assure you that very, very,veryfew people are mad that there’s yet another attractive cybernetic robo Frau in a game. The sexy hero ain’t new, folks. Nor did it go away. Having a hot character isn’t punk rock because your Discord chat has tricked itself into believing that a consulting company is banning big bouncy boobs in games. Nobody is writing letters to Congress abouta character’s butt bouncing as she walks down a ladder. When you get excited about the fantasy of people clutching their pearls, you just seem like a person whose opinions are only based on reacting to someone else. Dorks.
