Summary
Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Dooris filled with fun, witty characters and absolutely memorable dialogue. Some of it is quick-witted and absolutely endearing, while other lines absolutely catch you off guard.
Either the line is far more serious than you’d expect from this wonderfully ridiculous game, or it’s just downright baffling, stunning you for a moment as you struggle to think of how that line possibly came to be. Combine those lines with the truly witty and clever ones, and you’ll be left realizing that Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door has the most memorable dialogue.
10“I Just Said It Out Loud! What’s Wrong With Me?”
- Professor Frankly
Worry not, Professor Frankly, because the fact that you spilled the beans to people you literally just met a few seconds ago is not a problem you share alone. In fact, as you play through the game, you may come to find that this is a problem that virtually every character you meet has.
Almost immediately, they will tell the enemy or suspicious characters just what you’re after and why it’s important. At least Professor Frankly has the sense to realize that he really shouldn’t have said that and that yes, there must be something wrong if his filter has completely evaporated like that.
9“I Guess There’s A Little Bit Of History Everywhere You Look, Huh, Mario?”
- Goombella
Goombella, a scholar at heart, shares a surprisingly serious sentiment for such a silly game. She’s normally quite witty and sarcastic,which makes her delightful to have following you around, so this genuine remark throws players for a little bit of a loop. What’s even better about this sentiment is that it’s true - it doesn’t just apply to Paper Mario, but to the world around us.
Everywhere that you look, there’s a little bit of history around you. It might take a bit of work to uncover and understand that history, but it’s there and it’s meaningful.
8“Well, I Suppose I Could Apologize By Letting You Smell The Bottoms Of My Feet.”
- Hooktail
Was anyone else sent reeling when Hooktail just suddenly dropped this line while bargaining for the end of the fight? Seemingly completely out of left-field, Hooktail just suddenly offers you the chance to smell the bottoms of their feet. Of course, this is an obvious ploy to just stomp on Mario and make him and his companion flatter than they were before, but it’s just so… odd.
From bargaining for an absurd amount of coins to “How about you sniff my feet, and we call it even?” Absolutely baffling. This line is, unfortunately, entering the collective unconscious permanently.
7“Mario, I loathe you.”
- Sir Grodus
Sir Grodus, how bold and forward of you to declare not just your hatred but your loathing. Especially when everybody around is declaring their undying love for Mario and his mustache. Someone might think that there’s something more to this rivalry going on, Sir Grodus.
It’s not that you and Mario have ever met in person, but if your feelings run so deeply from such a distance, what might happen to you when Mario, the man, the myth, the legend, shows up in person? When everyone else declares their undying affection, this negative declaration is certain to stick in the minds of players.
6“I’m Not Funny, Sir! He’s Not Funny, Sir!”
- Koopas
Despite these Koopas declaring the seeming unfuniness of one of them, this line is ironically comedic. you’re able to almost sense the panic laden in their voices as they declare the unfuniness of a story that is inherently funny.
Then again, if your boss was Bowser, you’d probably do the exact same thing - assuming you were caught telling embarrassing stories about him. It’s almost a crime that you can miss it if you don’t go back to talk to them multiple times when you’re acting as Bowser for the first time.
5Literally Anything About How Attractive Mario And His Mustache Are
- Almost Every Female Character In The game
This isn’t a joke. Almost every single female character that Mario encounters throughout his journey, be they friend or foe, declares how attractive Mario and his mustache are. Whether it’s commenting on how manly he looks or just titling him “Mr. Mustache,” it seems like just about every female character is mildly to massively attracted to him.
It’s not even because he’s a hero either - Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door just really wants to hammer home how hot and irresistible Mario canonically is. You may not remember exact lines, but you will remember thathe’s the most attractive man to ever grace the streets of Rogueport.
4“I Mean, How In The World Can I Dance With You? You Have No Arms. Or Feet. Or Moves.”
- Princess Peach
The entire relationship between Princess Peach and TEC is comedic; however, this line is absolutely golden. Here, Princess Peach is trying to backtrack without outright rejecting the sentient computer in a way that is cruel or would possibly destroy this odd love he holds for her.
It’s less so the context, however, that makes it funny, but how she points out increasingly unnecessary things about how TEC couldn’t possibly dance with her. Of course, being the perfect computer that TEC is, there is an easy way around that.
3“Yeah, That’s Healthy”
Does the game have voice acting? No. But can you still feel the sarcasm that is completely lacing Goombella’s tone as she comments on the patron’s presence inside of the Pinata Parlor? Absolutely. It’s unmistakably there, and it’s a wonderful reminder of just how sarcastic and witty Goombella really is.
At least she keeps that sarcasm aimed at strangers, but she keeps herself relatively kind and attentive when sheoffers you some tips and tricks throughout the game, which can be exceptionally helpful for new players. Now, if only her tips were a bit more useful instead of just reminding you where you need to go and what you need to do to progress the main story…
2“Yeah, Yeah… Here We Go. All Righty, Mister. What Color Is Your Mustache?”
- Peeka
Yet another completely baffling line that will catch you off-guard if you’re not paying enough attention. When you first step into the shop to try and meet Don Pinata you’re probably going to be expecting to answer what your favorite color is. Instead, Peeka asks you what color your mustache is, and none of the answers you can give are right.
You may hesitantly answer yellow, or perhaps you’ll just be confidently incorrect because Mario’s mustache is definitely not Red or Green. Black might be kind of close, but that’s a massive “kind of,” and the liberties being taken to say that are nothing to scoff at.
- Frankie
Have you ever accidentally called some kind of authority figure mom or dad? Well, Frankie perfectly understands your pain. In Frankie’s defense, Don Pinata did say that Frankie was like a son to him (prior to attempting to elope with Francesca). However, the painful fumble and correction is one that many people know all too well.
Worry not, Frankie, your slip up has been seen (as mortifying as that may be) but it’s well understood - there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of… for the most part.
